Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of area. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A three-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let us have An additional spot the place American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: give everyone a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head noticeable from Room, a feature being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, classified.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following obtaining the developing's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.

"It can be not just unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Options

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Method: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Appear"

The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the realm"

Trump Tower Damascus
29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "where by's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"

The task is previously attracting notice from Intercontinental traders, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also include:

A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."

Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."